Boy, was he having a field day today.
The day before weighing in is always rough.
Anxiety attacks.
Kaput self-esteem.
Irritability.
Poor decision-making.
Fun, no?
I wish I could do away with my scale forever (Hello, Golden Gate Bridge.), but until I reach 115+...
NOT. GOING. TO HAPPEN.
Ugh. Does anyone else restrict before a weigh-in?
I need to break this habit. Because it's silly. And icky. And unhealthy.
Anywhosers. I'm updating later than I had planned, because piano and I were making passionate musical love tonight, and I got carried away.
Oopsie.
So...let's get this Morgan show on the road!
Today DID get off to a good start.
Activia yogurt, chai tea, pear, and lemon biscotti.
For dunkin', of course.
Biscotti + Chai = MOUTHGASM.
I kicked off my mornin' at school with a fun in-class essay on "Bartleby", which I utterly squished with my enormous brainpower.
Yeah, it's rough being a genius.
But I can handle it. ;]
(SARCASM)
Easypeasy classes. Lunch was the most difficult part of school, actually.
Which it really should not be.
Yeah, it's rough being a genius.
But I can handle it. ;]
(SARCASM)
Easypeasy classes. Lunch was the most difficult part of school, actually.
Which it really should not be.
*LUNCHIE*
Ham and cheese sammich, Nutter Butters, and a few sips of Vitamin water.
Ham and cheese sammich, Nutter Butters, and a few sips of Vitamin water.
I couldn't even finish the mini bottle...ED was literally screaming at me.
Truly and honestly, I felt like bursting into tears.
But that wouldn't go over well, of course. So...I whipped out my trusty mask of giggles and smiles, and everything was fine and dandy.
On the surface.
Truly and honestly, I felt like bursting into tears.
But that wouldn't go over well, of course. So...I whipped out my trusty mask of giggles and smiles, and everything was fine and dandy.
On the surface.
After school, Kevin and I chillaxed at my place for a bit, which helped.
Sort of.
He makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. It's like this magical ED-repelling aura that surrounds him, which is lovely when he's around...
But, of course, he can't ALWAYS be around.
When he left, I spiraled into an ED pity party, and did some things I'm not detailing here for triggering-avoidance.
And because I'm just ashamed. =/
Oh, and "snack" this afternoon was almond milk and a tiny bit of Kev's banana nut Odwalla bar.
Which is entirely negligible, and will not be counted towards today's intake.
Ugh. If I had a detachable leg, I would be kicking myself for that.
By din din, fortunately, I had somewhat gotten back on my feet.
Mediterranean (spelled right on first try! PWNED.) curry couscous and salad with turkey, tomato, and raspberry vinaigrette.
Yumskies. Nooo complaints.
Was gonna chop up that termater.
But...it was so...
Perfect.
You can't dice a perfect tomato!
THE SACRILEGE.
OH! And I snacked on some turkey whilst cooking. Despite my epic failure with ED today, I do consider that to be one of the day's small successes.
I used to be a huge snacker (Morgan munchies, I called them. =D), but when I was put on (read: condemned to) a meal plan I somehow developed this irrational fear of eating outside of established mealtimes.
Anyone else had this dealio? I'm sure I'm not all by me onesy here.
So anyhow, after din din I was still a bit hungray (OH GOSHGOLLY I WONDER WHY >=/) and pooped from the long week. Ergo:
Haagen Daz + Heroes = Squee!
'Cept..
THE WORLD IS SLANTING.
O.O
Aw shucks. I didn't mean to be today's Debbie Downer.
Apologies, m'loves.
Better hopes for tomorrah. =]
Edit:
Sheesh! I must be REALLY out of it. I forgot that the lovely Lauren and Jemima tagged me with this guy:
I've never received an award before! You girlies brightened my icky day. =D
I wish I could tag EVERYONE on my list, because all of y'all are just so dern amazing.
However, it's almost midnight and I need mah beauteh sleep.
Therefore, I pick:
Erin
Brooke
Emily
Kiki
and Sophia
Now bedtime. Luffs and sweet dreams!
Sort of.
He makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. It's like this magical ED-repelling aura that surrounds him, which is lovely when he's around...
But, of course, he can't ALWAYS be around.
When he left, I spiraled into an ED pity party, and did some things I'm not detailing here for triggering-avoidance.
And because I'm just ashamed. =/
Oh, and "snack" this afternoon was almond milk and a tiny bit of Kev's banana nut Odwalla bar.
Which is entirely negligible, and will not be counted towards today's intake.
Ugh. If I had a detachable leg, I would be kicking myself for that.
By din din, fortunately, I had somewhat gotten back on my feet.
Mediterranean (spelled right on first try! PWNED.) curry couscous and salad with turkey, tomato, and raspberry vinaigrette.
Yumskies. Nooo complaints.
Was gonna chop up that termater.
But...it was so...
Perfect.
You can't dice a perfect tomato!
THE SACRILEGE.
OH! And I snacked on some turkey whilst cooking. Despite my epic failure with ED today, I do consider that to be one of the day's small successes.
I used to be a huge snacker (Morgan munchies, I called them. =D), but when I was put on (read: condemned to) a meal plan I somehow developed this irrational fear of eating outside of established mealtimes.
Anyone else had this dealio? I'm sure I'm not all by me onesy here.
So anyhow, after din din I was still a bit hungray (OH GOSHGOLLY I WONDER WHY >=/) and pooped from the long week. Ergo:
Haagen Daz + Heroes = Squee!'Cept..
THE WORLD IS SLANTING.
O.O
Mum and I had a little chat tonight, which calmed me down a teeny bit. She noticed that I haven't been eating my entire lunch, (I kind of pick-and-choose from what she gives me) and is worried that I'm still too disordered to trot off to college without relapsing.
For some reason, it's reassuring that I can't get away clean with those behaviors. But disappointing that she still believes I'm that unstable.
Am I?
I don't really trust myself enough to respond to that.
...Which is probably an indication of the actual answer.
For some reason, it's reassuring that I can't get away clean with those behaviors. But disappointing that she still believes I'm that unstable.
Am I?
I don't really trust myself enough to respond to that.
...Which is probably an indication of the actual answer.
Apologies, m'loves.
Better hopes for tomorrah. =]
Edit:
Sheesh! I must be REALLY out of it. I forgot that the lovely Lauren and Jemima tagged me with this guy:
I've never received an award before! You girlies brightened my icky day. =D
I wish I could tag EVERYONE on my list, because all of y'all are just so dern amazing.
However, it's almost midnight and I need mah beauteh sleep.
Therefore, I pick:
Erin
Brooke
Emily
Kiki
and Sophia
Now bedtime. Luffs and sweet dreams!
12 comments:
Hey sexypants!
I know what you mean about weighing in..honestly, sometimes you just feel as though you'll explode from the pent-up anxiety about it all.
And stupidly enough, I purposely book my weigh-ins for early in the day, since I assume I won't have as much water weight since I would have only eaten breakfast by that point, and I won't have to look at higher number and be tempted to slide back into destructive behaviours.
I think that in time, as we delve even deeper into recovery, we will be less inclined to worry about the number on the scale since it is just that..a number. What will ultimately be important when you reach your weight goal will be that you're healthy and happy and feeding yourself properly. So aim to look forward to that instead of wholly focusing on whether you've had a gain or a loss. You've come such a long way and you'll only continue to go further. =)
And about the sticking to established mealtimes, I feel ya on that. Only since I've gained to a healthy weight have I SOMETIMES let myself just go with the flow and have something randomly just because I feel like it, not because my meal plan says I have to. You do not have to try to ALWAYS eat outside of prescribed mealtimes, but maybe you can try having something you genuinely want every couple of weeks?
Irrational fears are just that: irrational. Nothing bad will happen from denying yourself something you crave, but it's this stupid mindset we've put ourselves in that makes us think that yes, something bad WILL happen. You'll come out of this in time, I promise. I'm getting there slowly and anything I can do, you can do just as well =P
hi babydoll
aww *hugs* im sorry eds being a pain in the ass today and getting all up in your business....why cant he jus f off! bt u did really well despite having a hard day hun!
im glad you and your mum can talk openly about things and that she feels she can express her concerns to you. how do you feel about what she said?
remeber hun, u are MORE than a number, a number DOESNT define you..its just a silly digit on a silly tin box! and once you reach your gw you can be done with the horrid thing al together!
mmm hagen daz....yummers!
have a good night hun, and good luck tomoro, let us know how it goes!
much love chica
xxxx
oh and i also find it hard eating between * set* meals and snacks, but having little tings here and there helps me feel less rigid, its something i definetly wanna work on!
xxxx
Hey sweets, sorry you had a rough day! I know what you mean about being nervous before weighing in. But think about how happy and comfortable you are when you're with Kevin. That is the real Morgan! The real Morgan would never be so upset about a number in a metal box because she knows that she's worth so much more. Conclusion: ED is a lying robot that should not be trusted under any circumstances because robots are scary and just want to take over the wolrd (or maybe your mind!). God I'm tired. I don't think this makes sense.
Mmm girl, you should really try the intuitive eating business. I've only been doing it for two days and it's so liberating! I thought that it would be really hard, but it's actually quite easy to eat when I'm hungry and I'm much more relaxed than I am when ED is telling me I can't eat outside of my mealtimes.
Thanks for tagging me for the award! I feel loved :] And yay, now we're FB buddies! Enjoy your Saturday, much love!
Sorry about the roughness of the day.
*hugs*
To answer your question about restricting before a weigh in...
I don't really restrict much anymore. I like never get weighed anyway. The only time is at a rare doctor's appointment. I don't really have to go to the doctor much anymore. ^_^
But about the prearranged mealtimes...I've gotten a lot better with that. I've slowly become more flexible over the past few months. But still I have an 'around this time' thing. 15 or 20 minutes later or before doesn't really bother me. But a couple hours does. I still have set time's when I eat my snacks though...like and hour to an hour and a half after each meal. I should work on that...I'm still not really in touch with my hunger signals though...so I don't think it's a good idea for me to try to eat intuitively yet.
Anyhow, enough of my blathering on.
Good luck with your day!
*hug*
wow, thanks for the tag!
sorry you've had such a tough time with ED today...ain't it a bitch? but I think you've discovered ways to counter it...your bf and your mom are amazing sources for support!
also, I have problems with fixed mealtimes, too! It takes time, but I promise you it'll get better as you try to challenge yourself continuously by doing something out of the norm...
good luck, girl, and keep on rockin!
Oh noes! You stoleded my brekkie!
*runs after*
Come back here!!!
hello my little pumpkin.
your post made me really sad.
i just want to come through and squeeze the ED outta ya.
or just squeeze ya to be near ya ;)
anyway..
gah.
understandable.
totally suckage.
i don't restrict anymore.. basically ever because i just tell my brotha up in heaven to throw a lightening bolt at me if i do..
(seriously. it works.. i feel power when i ask him for strength)
anyyy whos!
it takes time and you NEED to get better before college! because.. thats a doozie
being away from the moms .. the woman who is like a personal monitor...
i used to be all "omg i need to eat at THIS time"
but honestly you just have to listen to yourself and the calls of your body..
ohh pooey.
hope ya had a grand saturday though!
TOTALLY FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR MY AWARRRRD!
THANKSSSSSSSS LOVEEERR
:) MADE ME SO HAPPY!
I have issues with meal times too. It's really annoying. I'd like to be able to eat whenever but I'm still working on it.
Weigh-ins are tough. I used to do them every Saturday morning but now I do them sporadically. It's much less stressful and doesn't give me a chance to restrict beforehand.
Yay, blog award! <3 Gracias, chica!
When you chuck that silly little scale, make sure to take lots of pictures! But, the good thing about a scale is this: every time you get on it and you've gained, ED's voice gets a little weaker and he has a tiny bit less power over you. Think of Mr. Silver Scale as a motivator!
Chai tea and biscotti! <3 If you can find some chocolate biscotti, dunk him in too and the chai tea has a hint of chocolate that makes it very tasty.
I can only eat at certain times too0 I feel weird eating at different times. It's a bit depressing, especially when other people just grab random snacks here and there. I try to have one random snack at least once a day!
Haagan Daaaaaz! (And it has a spoon inside! :o) Tasty treat.
Have a great rest of the night, chica! <3
mango! [my favorite of the bunch - i love mangoes and i love you] i am so sorry ed is troubling you! you do not deserve to be in trapped in this misery. but i know you will get through this! you have so much strength and support around you.
i have trouble with restricting before weigh-ins - all the time. i also have extremely high anxiety with scales, numbers, etc. so ive chosen to be blind weighed from the start of my treatment. i guess this can be both good and bad. but ive come to the realization that what matters most is how i feel. how do you feel physically [and mentally]? maybe you can talk to your gp about your goal range further? i know scales are necessary for health concerns but my nutritionist always tells me that there are so many more aspects to recovery. we actually made a list during one of our sessions and it was incredible, and very motivating :) hang in there sweetie! im always here for you. and feel free to email me anytime!
on to yout stellar eats! i know ed what being a pain in the booty but you still managed to make me drool. yum i love curry couscous and coffee ice cream! [amazing - i must reintroduce this back into my life!]
regarding snacks - i have been trying to eat intuitively lately. meaning i eat what i like, when i like [i have major hunger signals so im not under eating!] and im trying to step outside of my timed schedule because it really differs day to day. for instance today i had my b-fast at the normal time but i wanst too hungry for my usual morning snack so instead i had it right before my usual lunch. and then a later lunch. it worked out great because i was still hungry for afternoon snack! *sigh* i just want to be normal. anway best of luck sweetie!
i love you more than words! <3 and im sorry that im now writing you a novel! [literally!]
p.s thank you for the award! :D and for the amazing b-day wishes! your comment filled my heart with joy! [as always!]
Post a Comment