Hot 'n cold.

Yes, then no.
In and out.
Up and down.

Don't get your panties all up in a bunch - I absolutely adore ms. kooky Katy Perry.
BUT.
I would prefer that my days NOT relate to one of her semi-break-up songs.

Oh..silly Morgan. Thinking ED could be slept off like a hangover.
Get your head out of the clouds of naivity, girl.

Woke up far too early this morning, and to ED's leering face.
Creeper.
Even the catchy tunez of my lovers, Metro Station, (GUILTY PLEASURE) couldn't drown out his garbage.
Worse, Mum slept in, so I was stuck in my room with a rumbling tummy while he talked my ear (and self-esteem) off.

Because, y'know, I couldn't possibly snag some brekkie before a weigh-in. God forbid, that might add a half pound or something.

...Tell me where my brain has gone, because it definitely is NOT in my skull.

*brain waves from afar*
GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE POOPER.

*ahem*
Anyhow. When Mum FINALLY got her patooty out of bed, I hopped on her bathroom scale (it lives there so someone isn't jumpin' on it every 5 minutes) and..

Up another half pound!
...And five more to go.
URGH.

But, whilst ED was sulking in the corner, Morgy did a celebratory jig and concocted this bad boy:

Tea and Activia with sooper boonana muffin.
'member him?
Well. I made him bettah.
Chocolate makes EVERYTHING bettah.

Poor thing. So oblivious.

*MUNCHMUNCH*

Never fear - he was soon put out of his misery. =]
For I am Morgan, assassin of muffins!

Despues de noshin' and showerin', (you just imagined me naked, didn't you? Tsktsk.) I tramped around the neighborhood with my camera.
The usual:

+

And...the not-so-usual.

Lookit those teeny wheels!

Aren't they adorabable?

Okay. Storytiiiime.
Gather round, children. Gather round.

So. For the past few weeks that I've been a'walkin' round the neighborhood, I've crossed paths with a really sweet, non-creeper homeless dude. He always stands at the same corner, holding a sign and begging for money.
And he always says hi, unlike most snobby Californians.

But, today, I came upon a tragic sight.

Found on the street corner.
*sniffle*

What happened to you, hoboman?

Come back!!
You were my favorite. =[

Well, at least I made a new friend.

He looks cold.
Poor little bugger.
Needs a rolypoly blankie.

For lunch, Mum and I went out to eat at Flower Flour.
Flowers+pastries+cafe? Brilliance.
No pitchur, because I forgot my camera. *sadface*
But it was both gorgeous and delicious noshings, I tell you.

*LUNCH*

Spinach pie and a little almond debutante cake.
Droolworthy.

Oh wait.

I stealz from website.
Muhaha.

Lamentably, although lunch was yumskies, I felt very sick for most of the afternoon.
Could've been from anxiety, as ED was muchly displeased by the restaurant fare.

*sigh*
I'm not going to comment on the epic failure that was afternoon snack, for similar reasons as yesterday's.

Somehow, however, I managed to plow through errand-running. Our refrigerator was looking forlornly empty, so we got some foodie to "fill her up", as Erin would say. =D

By din din, I had something of an appetite back. Prolly acos the house smelled DIVINE.
Mum is my hero. I aspire to her cooking expertise.

Balsamic asparagus, roasted broccoli with cumin, and mashed taters.
Delish and nutrish!

Plus Haagen Dazs fro-yo.
Vanilla+honey+granola+maraschino cherry jooce.
My life is complete.

So. Today most definitely had its ups and downs. I'm seeing a general upward trend, but I'm still disappointed in myself for turning Kevin down and not seeing Slumdog Millionaire again tonight.

...Though perhaps it was for the best. I'm physically tired from running around all day, and mentally exhausted from fighting this.
I just want an escape, but there isn't an easy way out.

So I'll just keep plugging away.

On a final, positive note, I took a page out of Lauren's book of awesome, and did a couple affirmations this morning when I was struggling.
And here's one for sharing. =]

I love my eyes.
I love that they reflect the color of the ocean.
I love that they allow me to see beauty, and that they keep me safe.
(Especially whilst driving. o.O)
And I love that they'll never change, even as I grow older.

Feel free to hop on the bandwagon! Yes, it's a likkle bit corny.
But, wow.
I was walkin' on sunshine, afterwards.
Well...not quite.
But I felt oodlez bettah. =]

Anyhow. Time for Morgy to curl up in bed with some good, feministic reading.

Mhmm. Brain fodder.

So, night, loves!

P.S. To the fabulous Claudia :
MUHAHA. I STILL HAZ YOUR BREKKIE.
*munchmunchmunch*
=D

Brain gnomes..

are what I wish I had bouncing around in my skull right now instead of ED.
Boy, was he having a field day today.

The day before weighing in is always rough.

Anxiety attacks.
Kaput self-esteem.
Irritability.
Poor decision-making.

Fun, no?

I wish I could do away with my scale forever (Hello, Golden Gate Bridge.), but until I reach 115+...
NOT. GOING. TO HAPPEN.

Ugh. Does anyone else restrict before a weigh-in?
I need to break this habit. Because it's silly. And icky. And unhealthy.

Anywhosers. I'm updating later than I had planned, because piano and I were making passionate musical love tonight, and I got carried away.
Oopsie.

So...let's get this Morgan show on the road!
Today DID get off to a good start.

Activia yogurt, chai tea, pear, and lemon biscotti.
For dunkin', of course.
Biscotti + Chai = MOUTHGASM.

I kicked off my mornin' at school with a fun in-class essay on "Bartleby", which I utterly squished with my enormous brainpower.

Yeah, it's rough being a genius.
But I can handle it. ;]

(SARCASM)

Easypeasy classes. Lunch was the most difficult part of school, actually.
Which it really should not be.

*LUNCHIE*

Ham and cheese sammich, Nutter Butters, and a few sips of Vitamin water.

I couldn't even finish the mini bottle...ED was literally screaming at me.

Truly and honestly, I felt like bursting into tears.
But that wouldn't go over well, of course. So...I whipped out my trusty mask of giggles and smiles, and everything was fine and dandy.

On the surface.

After school, Kevin and I chillaxed at my place for a bit, which helped.
Sort of.
He makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. It's like this magical ED-repelling aura that surrounds him, which is lovely when he's around...
But, of course, he can't ALWAYS be around.

When he left, I spiraled into an ED pity party, and did some things I'm not detailing here for triggering-avoidance.
And because I'm just ashamed. =/

Oh, and "snack" this afternoon was almond milk and a tiny bit of Kev's banana nut Odwalla bar.
Which is entirely negligible, and will not be counted towards today's intake.

Ugh. If I had a detachable leg, I would be kicking myself for that.

By din din, fortunately, I had somewhat gotten back on my feet.

Mediterranean (spelled right on first try! PWNED.) curry couscous and salad with turkey, tomato, and raspberry vinaigrette.
Yumskies. Nooo complaints.

Was gonna chop up that termater.
But...it was so...
Perfect.

You can't dice a perfect tomato!
THE SACRILEGE.

OH! And I snacked on some turkey whilst cooking. Despite my epic failure with ED today, I do consider that to be one of the day's small successes.

I used to be a huge snacker (Morgan munchies, I called them. =D), but when I was put on (read: condemned to) a meal plan I somehow developed this irrational fear of eating outside of established mealtimes.

Anyone else had this dealio? I'm sure I'm not all by me onesy here.

So anyhow, after din din I was still a bit hungray (OH GOSHGOLLY I WONDER WHY >=/) and pooped from the long week. Ergo:

Haagen Daz + Heroes = Squee!
'Cept..
THE WORLD IS SLANTING.
O.O

Mum and I had a little chat tonight, which calmed me down a teeny bit. She noticed that I haven't been eating my entire lunch, (I kind of pick-and-choose from what she gives me) and is worried that I'm still too disordered to trot off to college without relapsing.

For some reason, it's reassuring that I can't get away clean with those behaviors. But disappointing that she still believes I'm that unstable.

Am I?

I don't really trust myself enough to respond to that.
...Which is probably an indication of the actual answer.

Aw shucks. I didn't mean to be today's Debbie Downer.
Apologies, m'loves.

Better hopes for tomorrah. =]


Edit:
Sheesh! I must be REALLY out of it. I forgot that the lovely Lauren and Jemima tagged me with this guy:


I've never received an award before! You girlies brightened my icky day. =D

I wish I could tag EVERYONE on my list, because all of y'all are just so dern amazing.
However, it's almost midnight and I need mah beauteh sleep.
Therefore, I pick:

Erin
Brooke
Emily
Kiki
and Sophia

Now bedtime. Luffs and sweet dreams!

Start wearin' purple, wearin' purplee

I took today off from pitchur takin', soez...I write 'bout yesterday!

After being informed Tuesday night that it's NEDAW, I resolved to embrace the purple theme.

Ooooh, colored font.
So sparkly and perty.

Okay. Morgan distracted. REFOCUS.

Uhm. Purple. Right.
OH. So I figured my plan'd be all fine and dandy.
Until I realized I own one purple shirt.
And that's it.
No purple (<-that really is too much fun) pants, sweaters, coats, shoes, undies..

Nada.

About to commit to wearing the same schmelly shirt for 4 days, I (fortunately for those in my vicinity) realized I had left one realm unexplored.

The trusty sock drawer.

So it's purple (<-last time, I promise!) sockies for me this week. =D

Oh. And an embarrassing amount of time wasted listening to this song.

Disturbing. Irritating. Addicting.

...Watch it. Or else.

Anywho. Thar be Morgan's Pointless Wedneday Story (#1).
Fin.

Which now allows moi to spiel about...


*Drumroll*


(Boy. I like those things.)


...BREKKIE. In honor of Brooke. =]

PB Puffins with strawberrehs and milk de almonds.
Plus chai and Activia.
When I found this cereal at Safeway, the gates of heaven opened and the angels sang.

Morgan + PB Puffins = Luv at fwist swight.

*LUNCHLUNCHMUNCHMUNCH*

Ham and cheese sammie with Pirates Booty and mini Vitamin Water.
I wonder what a pirate's booty is really like.
Hopefully not light and cheesy.
(Yes, I just went there.)

When finally home free, I snagged these munchies:

Apple with two Nature Valley bars: fruit and nut, and yogurt
Cannot.get.enough.YOGURT.

AGH!!
COVER YOUR EYES.
THEY'RE NAKED.

Mhm. Perfect snacky. I loved the yogurt bar, but the fruit and nut one REALLY did it for me.

For obvious reasons. =]

After a short jaunt about the 'hood, I immersed myself in an ocean of homework until din din.
Which was pretty damn awesomesauce, if I may say so myself.

Shrimp wonton soup with TJ's tempura veggies.
Also soy sauce, not pictured.
It puts the "yum" in "Sodi(y)um".

After my tastebuds had been thoroughly assaulted with salt, I was ready for ICE CREAM.
This must come as a shock, I know. ;]

French vanilla ice cream with rose syrup.
It was like eating a rosebud.
Except not.

I forgot that I had purchased this bottle of goodness when I had too much money lying around.

Oh, the eccentricities of Morgan's buying habits.

Rose syrup is bomb, I tell you.
It may very well change your life.

Ahh. Almost the weekend. I'm still having issues getting enough beddybyetime, so I'm hopin' to catch up then. Work today included mopping, again, which REALLY tuckered me out.

Bed. Is. Calling. Name. Cannot. Resist.

*snore*

Coming out of the closet.

Nope. Morgy's not gay.
Apologies to anyone this may have disappointed. =]

Atchully, I be talkin' bout comin' outta da closet bout...ED.
This seems to be a topic that's been bounced around, lately, and, well...you know me.
Gotta have my two cents.
CHA CHING.

Oky. So I was initially apprehensive about being on the Larabar blog, because I wrote a bio admitting my, erm, diagnosis.
I've never been really open about my eating dealio. Even after two years, (one of suffering, one of recovery) only my closest friends actually know I had/have problems, and I really only keep two (plus Kevin, of course,) updated on them.
But, as I've mentioned before, ED is adept at convincing me to lie and isolate myself.

Which, I'm very sorry to say, I still slip up on.

So, in the past 6 months especially, I've been coming out of my little shell about it.
Like a turtle.
You know I'd be a cute turtle. =D

Anyways - somehow, the more people I tell, the safer I feel.
(People I've learned to trust, of course. I'm obviously not advertising it to every hobo that walks down the block. Not that I have anything against hobos, I just...AGH. MOVING ON.)

It's helped to widen my support net; if I stumble, there'll be more arms there to catch me.
And if I relapse, I'm not the only one who will be disappointed.

So I think that this Fan of the Day thing will be good for me, if/when it works out.

Now that I've expelled all the serious from my system, do you know what time it is?
IT'S BREKKIE TIME.

Or was, seventeen hours ago.

Mini Wheats with strawberries, cinnamon, almonds, and almond milk.
Plus Activia and...hey! Mah tea ran off!
No...wait.
I chugged it. =D

School was god-awful boring, except Kevin and I went on a gum-run to 7-11.
I got Juicy Fruit.
Ahh. The flavor of childhood. And cavities!

Hmm. I never mention water or gum on here, so here's a tribute to them now:

I consume both water and gum in copious amounts.

'Nuff said.

*LUNCHIE*

Ham and cheese sammich with Sun Chips and mini Vitamin Water

Honestly hope I have noshed through our supply of Sun Chips by now.
I used to like 'em, but now they just kind of taste like cheesy cardboard.
Yumskies they are not.

However, yumskies my afternoon snack was.
And Yoda-speak stops...now.

Dried froot with milk chocolate square and white chocolate Lindor truffle.
Note the return of Lucy!

Mhmm. White chocolate is my beezy. Sure, milk and dark chocolate are coolbeans, and all.
But white chokkie pwns.

And that's all I have to say about that.

After I put my eyebrows back in line, (rambunctious little fellas, those.) camera and I spent some quality alone time together.

Bow chicka wow wooow.

..Except NOT.

Actually, we took a walk. =]
...Remember this guy?

Before.

After.

Poor likkle fella. =[

Don't worry, I gave him a proper burial.

And God smiled down upon me.

Like this: =D

I even sang the little guy a tune about flower heaven.






Actually, that's a lie.
The neighbors were giving me funny looks already.

Just because they don't believe in flower heaven!

It's a joyous land of sun, rain, and horse manure in abundance. =]

And, on that appetizing note, here's din din!

Two turkey and cheese buckwheat waffles (one cheddar, one blue cheese) with buttah (Hawt damn), plus salad with strawberries and raspberry vinaigrette.
Pshaw. Pancake day.
I'M MAKIN WAFFLES.

Vanilla/granola/honey fro-yo with warm, homemade apricot jam.

For Emily, who did not contribute to the yogurt club today!!
Oh well. More for Morgy.

Aah. What a peachy day.
Tomorrow promises to be rather stressful, however, so I'm going to trot my booty off to my nice, squishy bed.

No promises of posting, then, but I'll do my best!

Munky Business.

Another sopping wet day here in Cali.

Which meant puddles and rainbows!

Oh, and the replenishment of our local reservoir.
That's cool too.
Silly drought. Begone with ye.

But...
Puddles and rainbows! Squee!

I actually couldn't fit dahoshebang in one shot (it was a PERFECT rainbow), so I just took one of it's footsie.
Yes, rainbows have feet. See?

Rainbow foot.

*sigh*
Wish I could say the rest of my day was as bright and beautiful as that photo...

I've been pushing myself really hard with eating and such, because I tend to panic after gains (no matter how teeny) and restrict.
Bad Morgan, I know.
But it's catching up to my body image in a big way, and I don't like it.

*smacks ED with a frying pan*

Thar. I feelz bettah now.

And you know what also made me feel awesome, today?
MAH MUNKIED-UP BREAKFAST.

Oatmeal with boonana, brown sugar, and cinnamon.
+ tea and Activia.
I boonana. You boonana.
We all boonanas =D

Mhmm...been wanting to try this for awhile. Turned out SPLENDIFFEROUS.
Morgan is something of a monkey anyhow, so that bowlful of wonderful suited her just fiiine.

Although, since it was a bit denser than normal, I figured this brekkie would keep my tummy occupied for awhile.
BUT NO.
Second period rolled around as usual, and there he was a'grumblin. >=I

Lunch to the rescue!

*ALMUERZO*

Cheese+turkey sammie with Pirates Booty puffs and a mini Vitamin watah.

Shucks.
Forgot the Pirates Booty for my pirate-themed yesterday.
Ah well. There's always room in my calendar for another piratey day.
Especially if this man is involved:

Yo ho, yo ho,
a pirate's life for me.

So, after school, I had to hustle immediately to an eye doctor appointment.
Because I'm going blind.












...Bahaha. What did I say about me scaring you guys?
Oh, right. I enjoy it immensely. =D

No worries. Eyes aren't perfect, but glasses aren't necessary.
Although I might snag a pair to make me look cute and brainy.

Y'know. Pink, sparkly rims. That sort of thing.

Moving on.
When I got home, I was utterly famished. Therefore, snacky:

PB NuGo bar with a cute little pear.
Yay for food porn!
It always seems to say,
"You want? WELL BAHA. YOU NO CANZ HAV."

Blah blah blah homework blah blah blah. Then din din:

Amy's olive and mushroom pizza with blue cheese dressing.
Yes, for dunking.
OH HORROR OF HORRORS.

The return of white chocolate raspberry ice cream.
Because pink food is splendid.

Hmm. Forgive me if I sound a bit less, uhm...jubilant? I've not been sleeping well, lately.
Grargh. And it's only Monday.

Wow. I just yawned massively. Really, you could've fit a small child in there.

Sooo I'm going to take that as a cue to turn in to mah cozay bed.

Night, loves!

zzzzZZZzzz

On Pirates

Mornin', sunshines. =]
(Since it will be by the time most of you read this)

Firstly, apologies for no postie yesterday. I went to see Coraline late last night - a superb, albeit creepy, movie.
I can honestly say I will never look at my button-eyed sock monkey the same way.
Ever again.

But my Saturday was overall fantastical. =D

Weekly weigh-in verdict is...

*drumroll*

POSITIVE. Gained back the half pound I lost last week.

Yeah, doesn't seem like much, but I only need to gain .5 a week to make it to 115 by June.
So...huzzah! Dance with me, my loves!

*boogie*

Anyhow. Saturday morning was gorgeous and sunny.
Helloooo global warming.

...Did you know?

Global warming is intricately tied to the decline in the pirate population. As the pirate population goes down, the average global temperature goes up. Ergo, pirates are cool, and we need more pirates.

Amen.

Well, after brekkie...

Cashew butter and homemade apricot jam on a toasted English muffy.
Plus tea and Activia.
I fowgot to take pitchur and munched a bit.
Oopsie.

...I hopped in car and headed for Snobvil-*cough*-I mean, Santana Row.

Because, apparently, printing out pages of "Bartleby the Scrivener" from online instead of buying the book is an act of piracy.

Argh, matey.

Well, it seems that my attempts to contribute to the pirate population and STOP GLOBAL WARMING are not appreciated.

*grumble grumble*

So I purchased the thing at Borders and went off on my merry way...back home. To this:

Toasted ham and cheese sandwich with Nutter Butters and almond milk.
Oh boy. I just love me some Nutter Butters.
Morgy = OHM NOM NOM.

After almuerzo, me an' good ol' OCD hung out for a bit and cleaned the house from head to toe.
Did you know houses had toes?
Neither did I. Until today.

When my lungs had been sufficiently clogged with dust, I found it necessary to go on a walkypoo.

Doesn't it look like a dress on a stem?
..Or am I just losing my mind?
No, wait, that's a given.

Daffy the Daffydil!

When I got back, I was reaaally hankering for a snack. Ergo:

Oatmeal Raisin Lunabar, pink lady apple, and spun honey.

Why the honey, you say?

So I can do this, of course.

Looks good, right?
Well, good it was not.

I need to stop forcing LunaBars on myself. I just don't.like.them.
Or maybe Larabars just pwn.
Yes, that must be it.

ON THE SUBJECT OF LARABARS.

I got a lovely email from the Larabar blog commander (my title, not his - it just sounds cooler my way) in response to my complaint about the wimpy selection at my Whole Foods Market. He promised me complimentary bars, annndd...
I get to be the Larabar Fan of the Day!!!

Ohboyohboyohboy

It's like Christmas.
No, really. It is bad that I'm this excited.

But I don't care.
=D=D=D=D

So I'll keep you updated on that. It brightened my day. =]

Learning that Brandeis University wait-listed me was something of a downer.
They weren't my numero uno, but...it was still a blow to my ego.

*Morgan's ego sulks*

She'll be okay, though. No worries.

Anywho. Made a quick din din before drivin' Kevin and moi's patooteys to see Coraline.

Creamy tomato Parmesan bisque with lotsa Club crackers.
Drink up, me hearties, yo ho!

And, making a slight effort to curb my ice cream addiction (HA. NOT.), I got Junior Mints at the theater. Eating in public+eating with friends = scury. But I did it without (almost) any disordered thoughts.

1 bajillion kazillion - Morgan
0 - ED

I win.

So now it's AP Euro study time, acos I haz test+inclass essay tomorrow. (Yucky.)

Since my weight went well today, I'm going to see if I can eat okay on my own a couple days a week, meaning no blogs those days. I don't want this blog to become a crutch for me to eat healthily. However! I will still be commenting away. =]

<3 ya, girlies! Hope your Monday isn't TOO terrible...

Smexytime.

That's what this makes me think of:

Kevin in all his glory.
Holding my afternoon snack, I might add.
Don't ask me - he wanted to be in the pitchur!

THIS, on the other hand...not so much:

Me. In the midst of noshing on said snack.
And that be my "I <3 DC" T-shirt.
'Cept you wouldn't know it, acos I'm wearing it inside-out.
I'm kewl. Hur hur.

Since we're both freakin' awesome and had the last period of the day off, Kevin drove his patootey over and we hung out for part of the afternoon.
Highlight.of.day.
=]

Now, for overdue spiel. (Alyssa, apologies again!)

About 2.3 babies ago, (21 months. Do the math!) I opened my sophomore-year locker to a rose and a slip of paper.
On it, Kevin had professed his undying love for me.

...

Only joking. But it was a fetching little note. =D

To be honest, at the time I was hesitant to get romantically involved with anything that had a penis, due to a recently-ended dysfunctional relationship ('nother story, 'nother time).
But he won me over. And that "yes" was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

He pushed me to get help, and has supported me through all the garbage that comes with recovery.
Sure, neither of us is perfect, and there are times when we drive each other crazy.

But, overall...
We compliment each other like colors, in harmony, that make each other look brighter.

The sappiness will be over after this photo. I promise.

Kevin's photogenic.
I just look like I'm in pain.

Now...head out of the clouds and back to Friday!


Awoke to the lovely serenade of my alarm clock.

I hate that bloody thing.

It'll be a miracle if I don't smash it to bits by the end of this semester.

However! Brekkie was yummy in my tummy. =]

Activia with maple walnut granola and strawberrehs, plus tea.
This strawberry addiction is getting out of hand.
Help. Me.

School today was bomb. Only two classes = SCORE.
I crushed my Precalc test, too.
See? Being awake in that class is not mandatory.

So lunch was pretty awesome today. You know why?
BECAUSE MY SANDWICH WASN'T MOLDY. THAT'S WHY.

*LUNCH*

PB&J sammich with Sun chips and a mini Vitamin Water
PB&J reminds me of kindergarten. And being bullied.
However, it was still delish.
=D

As mentioned earlier,aftahnoon snacky was noshed on with Kevin. I had me an apple (the last of the orgasmic farmer's market ones! Must.buy.more.tomorrow.) and PB Nature Valley granola bars.
Weird. Unconsciously chosen PB theme goin' on today.

I like it.

Aw poop. Another Yankee Candle just bit the dust as I write this.
*sniffle*

Well, anyhow, I'll leave the rest of my afternoon up to your imagination... ;]

Din din tonight was somewhat of a triumph for moi.

Organic white cheddar mac&cheese and side salad with raspberry vinaigrette and Parmesan cheese.
Whew. That was a mouthful.
Literally.

Due to stomach issues, I usually avoid pasta. However, I felt like mac&cheese tonight (LOVED it, pre-ED). So ha!
Annnd...the tumtum is feelin' fine. =]

So, I finished off the day with a sweet ending, of course. yUm.

French vanilla ice cream with orange chocolate sauce.
Gone in 4 minutes.
...And still recovering from the brain freeze.

Ahh. Today was ideal. I'm just disappointed in myself for skipping out on an anti-Sadie-Hawkins-dance party tonight. Yes, there were ED concerns that kept me from going (same as Kiki, I struggle with eating at social events).
But...I'm also exhausted and wanted an evening to my onesy.

Therefore, I'ma go plop down on my bed and read me some "Bartleby, the Scrivener".

Night, loves! Hope everyone had a fantabulous Friday. =]