Well, given that this blog is all about honesty anyhow, I don't feel any qualms about explaining everything. It'd seem silly to hold back, really. And...who knows? I might feel better after writing it down. Getting it out of my system.
Okay. First things first.
Father's Day weekend was...chaotic. If you hadn't already noticed, I don't talk about my dad a whole lot, here. Reason? He's bipolar (annd SURPRISE SURPRISE...not taking his meds) and has a narcissistic personality - a combination that made my childhood hell and significantly contributed to my ED. My parents eventually split up after one of his psychotic breakdowns, and my mum took me away to live with her.
So...by the time this Father's Day had rolled around, I hadn't seen my dad in over a year.
While I'm not exactly comfortable being around him, I felt that it'd be only right to share that day with him - to spend some time together before I head off to college.
What I didn't realize is that I was entirely emotionally unprepared to deal with who he's become.
To say he's let himself go is a hefty understatement.
He looks downright awful.
Cue, of course, the little voice in my head that loves to blather about how everything's MY fault.
"You shouldn't have left him to himself. He needs someone to take care of him. Just look at what's happened! You're a terrible, selfish bitch. You have every reason to feel guilty."
I cried myself to sleep that night, which made me feel even more silly and childish. I know now that I just needed to talk to someone, but it was so much easier to isolate myself and ride out the emotions.
So I did. And it was miserable.
Ugh. I'm actually still having a hard time rationalizing that voice. Not sure what to do about it.
Not sure if I CAN do anything about it.
Oh, but the crazy train doesn't stop here.
I also found out that my mom insured my tuition at Scripps..."just in case" I don't make it through (aka relapse during) the school year.
Wow. Thanks for having faith in me, mom.
*sigh*
Well, I think I've been on enough of a negativity kick for now. Let's switcheroo to some more positive topics, shall we?
Hmmhmm. So what
(In no particular order.)
1. Chopping off my long, gorgeous locks.
Not as bad as it sounds, actually!2. Taking Mum out to the the ball game.
Nah, she's not pissy or anything.Just caught with a mouth full of Cheetos. =D
GO GIANTS GO.3. And indulging in this place afterwards.
My only love.
Left - Mine. Key lime pie.Right - Mum's. Black & white.
Yes, I decapitate my cupcakes.
*mouthgasm*
We're so awesome, we defy the laws of gravity!(Either that or I just can't figure out how to rotate the damn picture. >=I)
Our creativity knew no bounds....and by that, I mean pop rocks and dinosaur sprinkles were involved. =D
Mango+bloobs+Kashi GLC = one happy Morgy.
'Nilla ice cream with mango and trail mix makes a lovely presentation.
And even lovelier taste...want a bite? ;]
You can just IMAGINE how ecstatic I was.I practically skipped around the store. =D
This is quite possibly the best thing I've ever put in my mouth.(....those of you with dirty minds - GO. AWAY. -_- )
7. Basically just enjoying the heck out of the sounds, smells, tastes, and colors of summer.
It's like the sun was condensed into flower form.Pertyperty.
Although...I regret to say it may or may not be around for awhile. Mum and I are leaving on the 3rd for a roadtrip to Canada, and coming back the 12th. I'll do my best to get it out before then, but no promises. =/
Mhmk. I think I've rambled long enough for today..
Love you girls! And thank you so much for your incredible support and sweet comments on my last post. It meant a lot to me. <3
14 comments:
Morgs! Ahh I just saw this post. Anyhoo - the whole sitch with your dad is NOT your fault. Bipolar disorder is just that - a disorder. Much like an ED. Meaning it's HIS health problem - and just like your ED, in the end the only person who can fix it is the one suffering from it.
YAY! You found some PB&Co. I've never tried Mighty Maple, but I'm still happy for you!
Your hair looks adorable Morgs.
I LOVE YOU!
aww I am so sorry to hear that fathers day was not enjoyable for you :\ but its not your fault in any way!!
YAY FOR MIGHTY MAPLE. its pretty much amazing. Pair it with WCW and its pretty much heaven :)
have fun in canada!
I'm glad you're back and feeling better after a not so great Father's Day. It totally is NOT your fault (like that helps, me telling you that lol) but I definitely understand your feelings. It's good you were able to ride it out on your own, though, without relapsing. And remember you can rant on here as much as you want, and we'll all be glad to offer support, love, and a rational voice.
I just found Mighty Maple too!! I've seriously become ADDICTED to it already. At first, I was like "Hmmm....this is okay." But with every bite, it's just gotten progressively better and is now the yummiest thing on the planet.
Hope to see a post before your road trip, which I'm jealous of :)
<3 Nell
Hi beautiful
firstly,ive missed you!!
secondly, im sorry to hear about the relationship you have with your dad and the hard fathers day you had but remeber HE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSABILITY!! i cant stress that enough hun, you have nothing to feel bad for ..thats ed in your head trying to blame you for anything. I know its hard to see someone in our family sort of in a bad way and not blame ourselves but at the end of the daytheres nothing you could have done sweetie, so please dont be too hard on yourself ok? *hugs*
i LOVE the haircut!! Too cute and adorable!!
ooo those cupcakes look delish! i think i should come over some day for a cupcake party :)
loves you much chica,
xxxxx
I'm so sorry to hear about your father's day but DON'T blame yourself! You're about to start the first steps of your own independent life, and your father has a mental condition that is hard for anyone to help him with. Don't carry his health on your shoulders!
Great finds at Whole Foods! I can't wait to try Justin's nut butters when I get back to the States.
americangourmande.wordpress.com
Wow..you have such strength Morgan and I really commend you for it. But remember - you ARE allowed to let things out, you deserve to! Keeping them locked in may just make it worse and contribute to anxiety. I know this has been said 87583945 times already but no, that is NOT your fault. I let myself believe the same thing when my younger brother was diagnosed with autism, and honestly, thinking that is just destructive and so untrue.
I know it hurt that your mum insured your tuition but that just proves how much she loves you and cares about you and WANTS you to do well, both college-wise AND health wise. Your mum seems lovely, hold her close. =)
Those cupcakes..I swear, WHERE on Earth do you find such amazing desserts?! BLARGH. *boards plane right now*
Oh how I wish Mighty Maple was available in Aussie. I may have to take a quick trip to the US..specifically to purchase somothat. Heh heh.
Enjoy your summer and I hope you're feeling better beautiful!
xoxox
PS: That Aladdin video you linked me on FB: hilarious!
I would just like to inform you that you are the sole reason that I am now helplessly addicted to a game called Bubbleshooter.
Kthanksbye.
:)
P.S. Sending you lots of love and strength after your rough couple of weeks.
Much love,
Rachel
I missed reading your lovely stories! Hang in there with your dad dear, sometimes all they need is a little love--love cures all things :-) Just because they're adults and supposed to have it all wrapped up and together, we both know that isn't always the case! But besides that it looks like you've been having a mighty fine time with your food! And omg your hair is ah-dorable! :-)
Hello, dear! Thank you so much for your comment.
I'm so sorry you've been having a rough time. *hugs* Your dad's bipolar disorder is NOT your fault, just like your ED is NOT your fault! The difference is, you chose to do something about your ED and fix it but unfortunately your daddy still has yet to do something about his health. He is the only one who can do something about it so don't feel bad!!
Anywho, I love your hurrcut! Beautious.
mmm and those cuppity cakes!
and Mighty Maple!
Stay strong sweetie and have fun on your roadtrip!
Oh Morgan! *HUGS* Don't you ever, ever blame yourself for your dad's problem. I had tears in my eyes thinking about how you cried yourself to sleep, but please, it is NOT your fault. You can't prevent anything from happening, and criticizing yourself for what you "should" have done is not gonna help. You probably are already a big reward to your dad for being the fabulous, amazing, witty and intelligent girl that you are. Which you maybe could not have been living under such an awful condition with your dad. I'm not dissing your dad, just saying it was the best for both of you that you did not stay with him. You yourself needs to get strong first so you can later take care of him, right?
And sigh...it can be annoying to think your mom doesn't have faith in you, but that's just how evil ED is...it can seriously pop up anytime, when you least expect it. Anywho, show her how wrong she was! I HAVE FAITH in you that you can make it through college without a relapse!
And hahah! You have SUCH a sweet tooth!
Lovely eats! I've been looking all over the city for those fage yogurts but then I found out that Canada doesn't carry them (according to the website). Speaking of Canada... which parts will you be visiting?
Omg I love poprocks! I had them everytime I visited the candystore when I was a wee lil'Nancy,
I can't wait for your bar reviews! :)
*My first post on your blog* =)
Bar reviews!!! I can't wait for that :D
Have fun on your trip!!
P-S: When you'll come to Canada, can you stop at my house to make me your breakfast and dessert? lol =)
okay commenting on sprinkles-- I like karas better. I went to sprinkles two or three weeks ago and it was lame! I got the banana one and it sucked. But mom said the keylime was pretty damn orgasmic so maybe we'll have to give it another try together on our pretty much non-existent tj run *glare*
:p
Hey!
I just found your blog and love it (and I just created my own... check it out if you get a chance).
First off, don't let the thing with your dad get you down. It has NOTHING AT ALL to do with you. I'm sure you know that intellectually, but I hope you can accept it emotionally too. Second, I totally feel you with the whole parents-not-having-faith-in-you thing. My parents have done similar things and its SO frustrating, especially when you feel like you're doing well and then they shoot you down. keep your head up! x
PS. love the cupcakes. that creativity is impressive.
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