Monday, April 20, 2009

Breathe in...

Hold it.

....

....

And breathe out.

(Repeat as needed.)

Ahh. Little breathin exercise fer y'all. I've found them to be quite therapeutic in the midst of chaos and stress.

..don't believe me?

Well.
Wiki can back me up.
And Wiki is legit, mon.
Believe tha Wiki.

But ugh.
This past week has been a rush. Today feels like the first day I've actually been ABLE to breathe.

And they call it "break".
Ha. Hahaha.
Ironic.

Yup, I haven't had much of an opportunity fer tha bloggin', I'm afraid.
But Mistah Camera has still been getting in his workout. Which means...

...I get to inundate you with pitchurs, now. =]

(These were all randomly shot on different days. I've only been taking pics of my most spectacular noshings, so I'm going to lump 'em all together and pretend that I had one particularly nummy day of eats.
Teehee.)

Partay-en-ze-bowl-brekkityfast:
Strawb Activia+PB Puffins+Coco Bumpers+moah PB
With an apple and some tea chillin' alongside.
PER.FEC.TION.

Although THIS was a winnah too.
Toasted bagel spread with cream cheese+apricot jam, topped w/ham and ze lettuce.
Pickles+chocolate almond milk 'longside.
*tummy rumble*

Oop. Fowgot. I gotz sum snack reviewz fer y'all, too.
Acos I know how much you love 'em. ;]

Pertiest. Wrapper. EVAR.

Key Lime Pie: I was spectin' this to be sooper tart, but it was actually pleasantly mild and not overly-sweet. Mhmm.

But now...I give up.

I can't pick a favorite Lara flavah. It's just not gunna happen.
They're all TOO.FREAKIN.'LICIOUS.
But eh.
Not considerin' that to be a major problemo..=]

Alrighty. On to review numero dos.

Look! Mah spoon!
Up close and personal.

Jus kiddin'.
This review is actually all about that yummay little pot of yoggie, thar.
And all I can say is...yUm.

Once again, Rachael's has not failed to impress.
Pomegranate+blueberry = *swoon*

Side note: Please ignore icky AP Euro textbook. I certainly am.

(Translation: test is in 2 weeks and Morgy has done no studyin' whatsoever. WHOOT.)

Kay. Done with reviews. Back to sum dindins:

Ham+cheddar stuffed crepe with a smatterin' of Splendifferous Salad.
But what IS Spendifferous Salad, you ask?

Spendifferous Salad

  • Buncha lettuce
  • 1/2 Apple, chopped
  • Handful toasted walnuts (Note: Do not reach directly into toaster oven to retrieve walnuts. Trust me. Owie.)
  • Glob of blue cheese dressing. Or a coupla globs. yUm.
  • Drizzle of raspberry vinaigrette

And thar ya have it. Perfect balance of sweet/tangy/salty in a lovely little bowl.
Feel free to hijack/tamper with the recipe.
(Pear, for instance, makes a fab substitute for apple.)

Well, I've now depleted my pitchur supply. So I'll quickly discuss my spring break happenings and be off.

Friday: Went to Monterey with Kevin, Alyssa, and their mum. Day was positively gorgeous.
AND managed to avoid spendin' moola, which is always a plus.

Afterwards, I finished packing and set out for camp!

Yessir. Because my volunteer service hours are due on Thursday.
25 of 'em.
And I hadn't done nary a one.

Procrastination FTW. =]

So. I was a camp counselor for kids from 6-19 from Friday-Sunday.
Challenging in and of itself, right?

Well. Plus each and every one of those kids had a disability of some sort.
From Autism, CP, and Down Syndrome to...uh, you name it.

And, guess what?

It was a beautiful experience.

Sure, I was dead tired. And I got cranky sometimes.
But, for being so entirely new at it (I've always been uncomfortable around children and the disabled), I think I did just fine.

Most of the time I actually spent bodyguarding Alyssa, a little girl ("little" doesn't accurately describe her. Picture: age 11 and less than 4 feet tall) with a rare form of dwarfism. She was honestly just fine taking care of herself; all I had to do was make sure no one bowled her over (very, very fragile, teeny bones).

But I bonded with a lot of other kids, too. Got a couple of them out of their shells...dancing, playing baseball, even just talking.

It's incredible (yet understandable for those of us who've struggled with EDs) how such seemingly normal, easy things for us can be so challenging for others.

Which brings me to...honesty time. (Trigger warning, as usual.)

This is shameful, it really is. But being out of my normal schedule over break somehow triggered me.
Badly.

Enter ED:

"No one's watching you. You don't need to eat that. Put it back. As a matter of fact, go take a run. 400 calories for breakfast? You used to eat HALF of that in a day. Go burn it off. Now."

And I gave in.

Dunno what came over me. I haven't felt that desperate to lose weight in months.

But, when school started up again...the voice went *poof*.
Just like that.
(Though, no, I haven't checked the scale to see if I've lost, because, when I do, it sometimes "inspires" me to keep going.)

It worries me, however, how this just came...BOOM. Out of the blue.
And what if it happens again? In the summer? In college?

I'm sick of being stuck in the middle like this. I want to not be on edge all the time.
I'm don't want to be "in recovery", anymore.
I want to be "recovered".


I want to be myself again.

So I'm going to try something new.

Rather than focusing on gaining weight (since that approach has obviously failed miserably), I'm going to try to eat normally. Intuitively.
Because this obsession over structure isn't healthy, and I want to be more flexible.

If I gain, so be it.
If I lose, I'll try something else.

But something's gotta give. I can't live like this anymore..in limbo.

Okay. Sorry for the less-than-chipper conclusion, but I'm tired and need some down time with a good book. I'll try to keep the updates coming regularly, and I'll catch up on commenting ASAP.

Muchos besos y abrazos, mis amigas. <3

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

hi sweetheart,

*huugs* i miss morgan!!!

love the eats and reviews...although im sure that yogurt wont replace your love of acitiva???

wow that camp councellor experience sounds amazing, thats awesome you did that :) you have such a big heart morgan!!

im sorry eds been kicking up a fuss lately. i think when we do really well, ed tries to kick up fights because he know swe are winning and its those times that we really need to think positivly and remeber that if we loose weight again, its not just weight were losing...its our life, our sense of identity without ed, our hard recovery work, our enjoyment of life and so so so much more. dont let ed take any more time away from you huN! learn from the mistakes about restricting and as hard as it is...dont let that voice dictate you any more. i know your strong enough, so keep fighting hun!!

im always here, just an email away when you need some motivation k babydoll??
love ya much
xxxx

Anonymous said...

*curses*

So. I wrote you this beauteous comment, and then. BOOM. Disappeared. Died. Dammit.

Anyway.

Morgy. I don't think there is such a thing as "recovered." I'm very sorry to say. I think we will forever be "in recovery," because even when our bodies reach a healthy weight, our minds will have to fight ED constantly, every minute of every day. Will it get easier? You bet. Does it suck? Fer sure. But. I'd rather be "in recovery" than "on my death bed."

Oyyy Morgy. I know how you feel. ED's ideas sound really tempting. Espesh when there's nobody around. Trust me, I've given in too.

But.

Lately, I've learned that I need to take responsibility for my own recovery. Becos, really, in the end, who am I harming?

Not my parents. Myself.

What are we gunna do in college next year? Relapse? As much as ED would lalalalove it, I'm pretty sure we won't, Morgy. Nobody likes being sick. It blows.

Anyway.

Seriousness OVAH.

So glad to hear that you enjoyed helpin' the little kiddies (: Makes me happy. See...there's more to life than ED! There really, really is <3

Oky. Love love <3

Nancy said...

YIPPEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! (can you tell I'm excited?) I'm so glad you're back! I miss your awesomesauce posts 'cause they make me happy. I totally understand how you've given up on deciding which Lara is your favorite. I have a whole list that are my favorites. Hmm...Rachel's yogurt sounds so yummy! Too bad dumb-dumb Canada won't sell any :(

Aww, you're so sweet! Working with those kids must have been so tiring. But you helped them so much! You definately made them feel less "different" and alot happier.

Morgan? Swear you'll NEVER give up your fight against ED! It's totally not worth it to be plagued by it. I KNOW you're strong enough to continue recovery. Like Dory says in Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimming...just keep swimming" :)

Anonymous said...

Okie, next time I go hiking, I'll magically conjure you up and you can come with me!!!
Somehow it'll happen. I just have to obtain some supercool magical powers first...

*hugs*

Jennifer said...

It's alright Morgan, just a bit of backsliding. I don't have an ED, but I do have some life experience, :-). Dust yourself off and keep going.
As I've said before, your blog helped me so much when I needed food ideas, and it still does. Dig deep and keep going.

Anonymous said...

hey girl, glad to see you back!
don't beat yourself over a bit of slip-up.that's the worst thing you can do, because you get disheartened, and hope is KEY to recovery. don't worry about what will happen in college, or in the future, because that's too far away. no, focus on NOW. live each day for each day only, and suddenly your daily tasks and struggles are a lot smaller and you get more motivated and encouraged that you CAN overcome your daily ED struggles. You've got to have faith and hope. Thinking too far ahead and worrying about it only makes your worries come through because befre it even happened, you're believing it will happen and giving up on it. hmm...I'm not sure if I'm making myself clear here, but I hope you understand what I mean.
that said, lovely eats, Morgan!
and OH MY GOD is that CREPE I see?!!! sorry, I've been aching to mention it but needed to get the lecture down first. hee hee!
anyway, tell me! did you buy that or make it yourself? you hae the secret to perfecting crepes? SHARE please!

Internal Peace said...

Hi! I've been following your blog for a long time now and can I just say that I LOVE IT?! I love your hilarious writing style and your sense of humor. Poor textbook getting ignored. Lol, it's OK. It happens to the best of us.

Your food looks great, glad you enjoyed it! Rachel's yogurts are yummy!

As for ED, you are SO MUCH STRONGER than he is. Sure, he'll try to keep lying to you, but you're fighting him and you're GOING to win because you are worth it and you can do it! I've been recovered from my ED for about 5 years now and it's definitely possible to beat him entirely away. You are worth so much more than that and ED has no right to have a place in your life!

You rock girlie! Keep up the excellent work you're doing!

JuJuBeans said...

Yum! Bleu cheese is my choice of dressing always. I haven't had a Key Lime lara in awhile, it's not my favorite, but I still like all the lara's ahaha! I'm craving a Cashew Cookie! I guess everyone loves PB Puffins in the bloggy world! Anywho, I hope you have a wonderful rest of the week and continue being successful in your recovery. I've gained 10lbs yay!